Sorry, but my thoughts are coming to me in pieces. Another big, and I mean huge “ideal versus reality” thing is the issue of polygyny. Now as a Muslim, I do believe that it’s permissible, I do believe it’s allowed, and I don’t think it hsould be outlawed. But Good Gravy I dare say a good deal if not most men don’t practice it with any kinda tact, care, respect, or consideration of the women or children or family in their lives. It’s all about fresh and new halal booty and let’s just be honest about that. It ain’t about taking care of orphans or divorced women or widows, nope, it’s about gettin’ a new piece of a*** (preferrably if not obligatorily a virgin and the younger the better), and hey it’s halal/permissible too. And yeah, it might be halal/permissible, but is that kinda thing, right down to the creepin’ on your first/second/third wife and keepin’ said new marriage a secret, really in the best spirit and tradition of our religion?
I find it funny that when women don’t wear hijab, they’re just giving into their nafs, when you listen to music or watch TV, or do other things considered to be un-Islamic by some, your giving into your nafs. So how is it not giving into your nafs to go and get a subsequent wife, without the guidance of friends, family or knowledgeable people, or I guess even with the guidance of supposedly knowledgeable people/scholars, friends and family, when men take on multiple wives, they get applauded for “following the Sunnah brother”, no matter how painful or destructive this deicision has or mgiht be to the people already in his life. But my point is, how is it not listening to your nafs to go and get a wife, when you know your current wife won’t like it, when you know it’s gonna cause fitna, and you know it’s going to disrupt your current family set up. I mean, why do it in the first place? Unless of course you’re listening to, uh, well, your nafs? And if I come on here and say I’m not comfortable with polygyny, at least how it’s practiced, I’m told I’m what? Wait for it, listening to my nafs, or not respecting the Sunnah of our beloved Prophet (pbuh), or whatever. but from what I know about the life of the Prophet, I’d think he’d have done things a lot differently, and a lot better than a lot of people are doing things today. And none of us are prophets anyway, we are mere humans.
I’m not saying that polygyny can’t work, or doesn’t work. I’m saying that many men do not practice it with the best spirit. I mean, sure, they may be doing things halal, strictly speaking from an Islamic law/fiqh point of view. But they’re not doing it, as far as I know, and can tell, with the best spirit and intention. And especially so if current wives are made to feel they have to tow the line and put up with BS, ’cause ya know he can just go and get another one if you ain’t makin’ him happy. And that’s another irony. Women are supposed to put up with men’s BS as a way of showing sabr, or a way of demonstrating their strong iman, but men? Nope, they’re not expected to put up with any of their wife’s shortcomings, ’cause they not only have the absolute right of divorce, and can use it supposedly at any time, but they can also go and get another wife, supposedly without the first wife’s knowledge or consent. And tell me how this raises the status of women? And I’m not talking about the ideal here, which is what we should all be striving for, I’m talking about the reality for many Muslims. I’d sure like to know that.
I personally don’t feel comfortable with being in a polygynous arrangement. This doesn’t mean this won’t change in the future. But this is just not what I was culturally raised with, and I’m not sure how I’d handle it. And no I’m not talking about jealousy or anything like that. But marriage is a balancing act anyway, It takes work, it’s not easy, I can only imagine being in a marriage with my husband and 1, 2 or 3 other women. I just don’t have the wisdom or knowledge to be able to handle this sort of an arrangement. perhaps if I were raised in a culture where other wiser women could counsel me on how to juggle this sorta arrangement, I might be OK with it. But right now I’m not. And I feel like if my husband were to secretly take a wife behind my back, that’d be grounds for divorce on my end anyway, I’d want out, because I feel like if he can’t be honest with me about such a monumental step in his life as this, what else is he hiding from me/lying about/not telling me about?
And not only this, we live in the US where polygyny is illegal anyway. And I just don’t have the fortitude to flout the US legal system just to prove how Muslim I am, or how Sunna-fied I am. It just ain’t worth the risk of getting into trouble with the law for me anyway. Sorry but it ain’t.