Assalamu alaikum, everything is good here, Alhamdulillah. Not much going on. Had been wanting to blog, just not much to say. And also just wanting to stay positive. Which I think is better anyway.
I’m not sure why for me it’s easy to remember the bad, or I should say, to vent about it, to complain about it, without offering any constructive suggestions. And while at the same time, forgetting the good things.
Like I can blog about all of the “problems” and “issues” within our community, yet forget all of the good stuff, and there really is a lot of good stuff. As they say, it ain’t all bad.
I’ve actually been doing a lot of thinking about that. Is this tendency something that’s just unique to me, or is it a tendency that we all as humans share? Is it easier to write and complain when you’re upset or angry, than it is when you’re not?
I’ve just been doing a lot of thinking. And I’ve come to the conclusion that whatever problems within the Muslim community have shaken my faith, they’ve not destroyed it. I remind myself that when I was reading about Islam, I did not know many Muslims. And I believed based on my reading, and I still believe, whatever bad experiences notwithstanding. And there are many times I have to remind myself of that.
It’s hard to keep bad experiences from affecting you, I definitely realize that. But I have to try to do this, and this is, for me anyway, part of learning to grow a thicker skin and not be so sensitive.
I also made a promise to myself, after the end of my first marriage, that I’d not let any mere person have a negative affect on my faith again. I wouldn’t let someone else destroy my Islam. Because then to me anyway, that’s giving someone else way too much power over you. May Allah keep me from this, but if I were going to leave Islam, I’d want it to be the same way I came into it, i.e., through reading and study and contemplation, and reflection and not because I read of someone else’s bad experiences, and this doesn’t mean their experiences are not valid or legitimate. Because I think they are. I just have found that I can’t continue to read about them. Because I feel powerless, I feel sad, I feel angry, I feel frustrated.
No matter what negative experiences we may have as Muslims, and I guess converts, in particular, for me anyway, it doesn’t change the fact that I’ve been a Muslim for over ten years, Alhamdulillah, and no matter what awful things I hear about or what horror stories I may read, it doesn’t change the fact that I still believe, and I just can’t imagine myself being anything else but a Muslim.
Perhaps I sound naive, and I know I’ve been called naive in the past, and this wasn’t meant in a good way either. And I suppose in many ways I am. Even though I hate admitting that, but I guess I have to put myself in a state of “naivete” as it were, just to be able to not start thinking negatively, not start thinking ill of my fellow Muslims. I don’t want to say that I’m burying my head in the sand, I’m just saying that at least until I actually am put in a position to be able to affect positive change, I have to leave it to others to deal with whatever problems we have in our community. Because I’m just simply not in a position to be able to make any difference. Except, as always, by making dua. And that is definitely a powerful thing and nothing to sniff at. I’m just saying that I have so much on my plate to deal with, that I shouldn’t be reaching into anyone else’s, at least for the time being.
Inshallah this makes sense. Because there is a lot of things that I care about, a lot of things I wish I could change. But I’m not an activist, or diplomat, or negotiator, I’m just a simple, sometimes outspoken, Muslim woman, just trying to do the best that I can. And usually it isn’t much, if anything. And sometimes it’s the wrong thing.