Assalamu alaikum, I normally don’t blog too much about my personal/offline life, I used to when I was single and it was just me to think about, however, now that I’m married, I’m really careful about what I put out there and what I don’t. Because it’s not just about me anymore. I feel as though I now have to think “would my husband want this out there”, or “would my kids want this out there”, etc. Anyway, I say all of this to say that on my birthday I got quite a surprise.
I went into the doctor for what I can best describe as “abdominal discomfort”, it actually felt kinda like muscle soreness, any time I’d reach to get something or bend down to pick something up. I’d also been gaining weight in my abdomen area (which at first I thought was just normal weight gain), and I didn’t think “pregnancy” because, well, here’s where I don’t wanna get too graphic and detailed and technical and whatnot but… Let’s just say that for a myriad of reasons, including medical and just plain not having the “textbook pregnancy”, pregnancy was actually the last thing I thought it was.
In fact, I actually was quite apprehensive when I finally went into the doctor, I mean, I was thinking everything from some sort of abdominal mass, to some kinda uterine or ovarian problem, to cancer, to a parasite, anything else but pregnancy. However, my doctor did a pregnancy test “just to rule it out”, only for it to come back positive. Wow!
Now I know I’ve had some stomach issues in the past, and I’ve blogged about them, however, stomach issues for me are not that uncommon, and I’d not had what I’d call “morning sickness”, especially when changing my diet solved the problem. The only issue I continue to have, and again, little tweaks in my diet have helped with this also, is acid reflux, however, well, now I know why that’s going on, and Alhamdulillah, it’s not the awful stuff I thought it would be.
So anyway, the day after finding out I was pregnant I was sent for an ultrasound, only to find out, well, I’m quite far along in my pregnancy. Won’t say how long exactly but baby is Inshallah due August 4. And let me tell you, I’d definitely not recommend finding out so late. While everything seems to be fine for me, Alhamdulillah, and there doesn’t seem to be any problems, when you try to get into see a doctor and they hear that you’re any farther along than, oh say, 20 weeks or so, they freak out, and pretty much don’t wanna have anything to do with you. Even if you appear to be healthy, even if all of your lab work is good, even if baby is growing fine and you’re measuring well, etc., etc., they hear how far along you are and then you get told you’re “too high risk”, apparently from a legal/liability perspective, for them to take you on as a patient. I can’t tell you how upset I was about that, and how stressful that was. I felt awful, like it was my fault, like I’d done something wrong, like I was a bad person or something.
And let me tell you what’s really weird about this… I was just into my doctor for both my well-woman exam, and regular physical, and I guess because I didn’t “present with the right signs”, my pregnancy was missed too. So how can it be my fault, as some have said, that I “missed this”, if even the doctor missed it too? And what’s even more galling and angering is that it’s been suggested by some that somehow that my being blind/visually impaired, somehow made it possible that I coulda “missed something” that woulda clued me into the fact that I was pregnant. I can’t tell you how angry I got when I heard that.
So anyway, after finding out about the pregnancy, what can only be described as a wild goose chase ensued to try to find a doctor who would take me on as a patient. I was even told that I might have to go as far away as Tampa or Orlando (which is at least 45 minutes to an hour from here) to find a “high risk OB” who’d take me. However, as it happens, an OB at the cllinic that I’ve been a regular patient of for 4 years now, has Alhamdulillah agreed to take me on as a patient and I had my first appointment last week. And Alhamdulillah everything seems fine. Although I found all of the lab work and blood drawing I had to get done a bit disconcerting.
Before I got pregnant I mean way before, when I was just turning the concept of having kids around in my head, I’d considered using a midwife and perhaps doing a homebirth. However, because I’m now in my mid-30’s and because I found out so late in my pregnancy, I’m just not sure I feel comfortable with that option. Perhaps if I’d found out sooner, and had more time to prepare, or something, but as it stands right now, it will most likely be a hospital birth, as much as I’ve considered other options.
So anyway, I’m first asking for everyone’s thoughts, prayers and duas, and Inshallah, things continue to go as spectacularly well as they’ve been going. Because if it wasn’t for the movement of the baby (which when I first felt it I thought I was going crazy), and the weight gain, I don’t think I’d have known I was pregnant. And don’t ask me about my menstrual cycle, yes I continued to have one, weird as it may seem. Though that’s now stopped (finally) lol. I mean, I’ve felt quite well, except for the acid reflux lol. In fact, I’ve felt really well, a bit tired sometimes, but I chocked that up to work being really busy, which it has been.
And all I can say is Allahu Akbar and Alhamdulillah, because my body has taken care of itself, even if I didn’t necessarily know why. I’ve cut out the soda, eaten more fruits and vegetables, cut down my meat consumption, because these were things my body was telling me it wanted. I’ve even been able to drink more water, which is funny because I’ve never really liked just plain old water lol.
So anyway, as I said before, please keep me in your thoughts/prayers/duas, I can use all I can get *smile*. Also any recommendations would be nice as well, and I’m sure I’ll get plenty. This has just been a lot to take in/prepare for, and sometimes I feel as though my brain goes into spin cycle, and I have trouble trying to put together in my head what has to be done and when I have to do it lol. And I know that sounds weird, but if you can imagine going to bed one night and waking up the next day 30 weeks pregnant, then you can perhaps imagine how I’m feeling right now lol.
I have to say, though, that I find this whole thing amazing. I think I just got to the point where I didn’t think I’d ever have any kids, and I’d gotten to the point where I was OK with that. Now I’m just amazed that I have almost gotten through a whole pregnancy and didn’t even know it. How is that possible? And now I’m thinking, OK did I do something wrong? Is the baby going to be OK? Are all of the blood tests I had done going to find something lurking that’s going to hurt me or the baby? When the baby’s born, what if I forget to feed them? What if I leave them in the car? What if I drop him? Should I be taking childbirth or parenting classes? How can I do that with my work schedule? How do I deal with sighted people’s ignorance regarding blind parents and blind parenting? What if someone calls child protective services on me, how do I handle that? Can I handle that?
I’ve just been given an enormous gift and blessing from God, as well as an enormous responsibility, and I find it to be quite overwhelming at times. I’m afraid of making mistakes, of not doing the right thing, of hurting my child somehow. And I have moments where I’m not sure if I’m ready for this. Although as amazing and strange as this all is, Allah would not have caused this to happen, or put me in this position, if He didn’t think I was ready. So Inshallah, everything will be fine. But still. It’s really a big event in my life and as one might well imagine, quite a lot to take in at once. But Alhamdulillah. I’m sure a lot of my fears are unfounded, at least they appear to be, but perhaps most of this is my tendency to overworry, along with “Mommy mode” perhaps kicking in.
But sometimes I get afraid that something is going to go really wrong, or that maybe me finding out so late will cause something to happen, even though at this point, there doesn’t seem to be any indication of anything going wrong. In fact, except for the lack of so-called “standard prenatal care”, everything is actually going quite well. All of the labs I’ve had done so far seem to be good, my blood pressure, blood sugar, etc., seem to be good, the pregnancy seems to be progressing well, so from a logical standpoint, I shouldn’t feel so apprehensive. But I do sometimes. And I’m guessing this is normal.
I’m also starting to think about the labor and delivery aspect of things. Ideally, I don’t want an epidural, in fact, I’m quite sure I don’t want that. I’m just wondering if I can handle the labor and delivery without any pain meds, which is what I’d like to do. I’m also a bit apprehensive as to how the medical staff will treat me as a totally blind patient. My doctor seems pretty cool, and doesn’t seem to talk over and around me or defer to my husband, so Inshallah everything will be OK. But still. As I said, please pray for me and make dua.
I do have to say one thing, though, and that is I most likely won’t be able to fast this Ramadan, which means that for once in the past few years, Inshallah, I won’t get caught up in and fuss over and dwell on and stew over the whole “moon sighting mess”, lol. And I can definitely say Alhamdulillah for that lol.