Greetings/assalamu alaikum, so we’re getting down to the wire now *smile*. I’m about 37 or so weeks now, so pretty much full term. Some people are making comments like “you’re really not that big”, etc., and I’m kinda like “uh should I be bigger”? I’m not a very big person to start with, pre-pregnancy I was 5 feet 2 inches tall, weighed around 115 to 120 depending on when I was weighed lol, although I don’t really know my exact weight so this is just a guess. Now I weigh around 135 or so but then again, that all depends on the scale I think, as one scale I was on said I weighed 131 and one said 136. Anyway, before I found out I was pregnant, someone in the office made a comment about my stomach, something to the affect of “hey looks like something is in there, have you been to the doctor?” Or something like that and I was really embarrassed, because uh yeah, I’d been to the doctor and they didn’t discover the pregnancy lol, and at the time, I was thinking it was a weight issue, and well, the comment I just found really uncomfortable. And it really upset me, because at the time all I could think was that I was trying to exercise, trying to eat well, and nothing was working lol.
And now it’s like people wanna say I’m not big enough? Or am I sure I’m going to have the baby in August? Well yes if the ultrasound is anything to go by lol. I mean, gosh… I don’t wanna sit here and complain, for the most part, I’ve felt pretty good throughout this pregnancy, and didn’t really start putting on any noticeable weight until the end, which is (obviously I think lol) one of many reasons why I didn’t find out about this until so late. But I am at times rather uncomfortable, and I just feel like for my size I’m as big as I should be. And as I seem to be measuring well per my doctor I’m just not going to worry about it. But sometimes people’s comments, though well meaning I’m sure, are a bit, I don’t know. I don’t want to say rude or disrespectful because they’re not that, but it just makes me a bit uncomfortable, because they are just not the kinds of things I’d say to anyone myself. And as I said in some of my previous posts, the commenting and advice isn’t going to stop once the baby gets here lol so I guess I need to learn to get used to it. I’m just trying to find some kinda happy medium between wanting to talk, wanting to even vent sometimes, and yes wanting the comments/advice, just not the, how do I say it, the “too forward kind” I guess. And most people’s comments are actually great and wonderful and all of that even if they are of a critical nature, but as they say, it’s only the “bad stuff” that you remember. And one of my faults/drawbacks is that I have a tendency not to take criticism or perceived criticism very well. So when people make comments that I’m not big enough, or ask if there’s something wrong with my stomach (when I’m not supposed to be pregnant lol), to me it sounds like a slight or a criticism, and I find it to be uncomfortable/embarrassing. And it’s not because I think I’m all of that and don’t need criticism sometimes, it’s just that I’m so hard on myself already, I beat myself up so much, that when other people are also critical, it hurts even more, and I end up taking it harder than I know I should.
At any rate, my questions for this week don’t have to do so much with my weight or my size, as the doctor seems to think I’m fine in that department and not only that I feel that everything is OK, but now I’m pretty much starting to wonder when is this baby going to drop? Do babies drop suddenly or is it a gradual process? Is it something I’ll be able to tell that he’s done or will it be a subtle process that I won’t notice? And as always, lol, why didn’t I think of this when I was at the doctor’s office? Actually, I did ask him when the baby was going to drop, and he said he thought maybe within the next week. So we’ll see. I’m also starting to get a bit more apprehensive about labor and delivery. Will I know I’m in labor? What if I don’t know and I don’t make it to the hospital on time? Am I really going to be able to deliver without any pain meds like I’d like? Once the baby gets here, what next? I mean, I can read and take all of the classes about labor, delivery, and parenting and all of that, however, I know it’s not the same as actually doing/experiencing it. And I’m just afraid I’m not going to “get it”. What if I’m not cut out for this parenting thing?
So that’s what I’m thinking for this week. It’s funny that I kinda felt these same sorts of feelings when I went to get my first Leader Dog, I wondered if I was ready, wondered if I was doing the right thing, wondered if I was cut out to work with/handle a dog guide. And I guess everything worked out because I worked with my first dog Abby for 10 years, and my current Leader Dog Chloe and I have been together for almost 4 years now Alhamdulillah, so at least in that case I’ve made the right decision.
And for the new baby, I have to remind myself that it is Allah who gives and takes life, and it is Allah who created this baby, and caused him to grow, and if Allah didn’t think I was ready, then he’d not have put me in this position. So Inshallah I’m as ready as I’m going to be lol. And I know I’m going through the feelings/emotions of a normal new parent. But it doesn’t make it any better sometimes lol.
But I’ve not gotten to the “I just want him out!” stage yet. And I’m not sure if it’s because my pregnancy hasn’t been terribly uncomfortable, or if it’s because of my wanting him to just be healthy and come when he’s due/ready. I keep thinking that when he drops that then’s when I’m going to get impatient, but we’ll have to see. Right now I just feel excited, like I can’t wait to meet him, and of course, a bit apprehensive about labor and delivery, in general, and just hoping that he’s healthy and all of that.