I Reminisce, I Reminisce

Assalamu alaikum/greetings, I know ti’s been a really long time since I last posted on here. I probably don’t have any readers left (smile*. But Inshallah, I really am going to try to make an effort to post on here more often. I’ve gotten so busy that I’ve not even been doing my “Moon Bits” posts anymore. But anyway… On to why I wanted to write…

Back when I was in high school, I had this huge crush on a guy from another school (and no I’m not giving any names), I mean, it was awful, I knew he didn’t like me, and I hated the fact that I liked him, and I hated the fact that I couldn’t just play it off that I liked him, and any time I did, I’m sure I overdid it lol. I mean, I tried to act like he meant nothing to me, and all of that, but, well, as I said I overdid it. So anyway, lately I’ve dreamt about this guy like 3 times. Don’t ask why, I wish I knew. Sure wish I could figure out what brought it on, because this is someone I’ve not really thought about say in 15 or 20 years or so, and then in something like the past 2 weeks or so, I’ve dreamt about him 3 times. What gives?

In all seriousness, though, I would like to know what happened to him, and I would also like to apologize for being so mean to the guy, I guess you could say I just didn’t know any better, or I was young and stupid or, well, something. I guess it shouldn’t bother me all of these years later but it really does. Because to be honest, I really did make a fool of myself. Perhaps I could just say, oh to heck with it, it was my “pre-shahadah”/Pre-Islamic “my days of jahiliya” or something, and just be done with it, but really, when I think about it it does bother me. But he probably doesn’t even remember who I am anyway so I guess no harm no foul, Inshallah, *smile*.

And on the same “reminiscing” note, I heard a song yesterday, and it was kinda a “trigger” it unexpectedly brought back all of the feelings I had during my first marriage and brought back all of the abuse I went through, and for the life of me, I can’t remember now what that song was lol. And I really get frustrated when that happens. I mean gosh, can someone tell me what is wrong with me? One one hand I’m dreaming about past crushes who probably never knew I existed or at least they’d prefer they didn’t know of my existence I’m sure, and then around the same time, I’m once again rehashing a past abusive relationship in my head. And why am I doing this?

I have a wonderful husband, a beautiful little boy that I adore, a good job, I pretty much have what I’ve wanted in my life. So what’s going on here? And let me just say that the trigger was really unexpected, I really had to take a couple minutes to collect myself, because for a split second, I was right back there. I was the woman crying on the floor after being knocked down and kicked, I was the woman who knew her husband was cheating on her but couldn’t do anything about it, or couldn’t say anything about it, unless I wanted to get beaten again. I was that scared woman, that woman trying to stay one step ahead of myself, to stay one step ahead of my ex-husband, to try to not rock the boat, to try to stay ahead of things so I’d not go and do something that’d cause him to beat me again. Alhamdulillah, it only lasted a few seconds, then I heard my son babbling in the next room, and I was brought back to the here and now. And Alhamdulillah. A thousand times Alhamdulillah.

Allah is truly great, and He truly does take care of His Servants. I just wish I didn’t rehash, I just wish my mind didn’t keep goign back to things that I can’t now change nor do anything about. Why does my brain do that? Why can’t I just forget things? I need one of those memory-messer-upper things from Men in Black – or something.